For young adults and adults alike, self-validation is an important aspect of leading a healthy life. In its essence, it’s about accepting your internal experiences, without judgment. The ability to do so lies in having a secure sense of self and others—what is called “secure” attachment. This can be achieved by developing what I call the Relational Operating System. It supports the foundation of self-esteem, emotional regulation, personality development, and the way we engage in our relationships.
What is Self-Validation?
Self-validation is the act of recognizing, accepting, and understanding your own internal experiences as legitimate—your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and sensations—without judgment. This is the core of positive self-esteem. It’s the ability to offer yourself compassion and affirmation, essentially saying to yourself, “My experience is real, it matters, and it’s okay for me to feel this way.” Self-validation does not depend on the approval of others.
Signs a Young Adult May Struggle With Self-Validation
Many young adults struggle with self-validation. They may seek approval from others rather than recognizing their own self-worth. This attitude is expressed in their relationships, daily decisions, social interactions with others, and their self-esteem. Common signs include:
- Ongoing need for reassurance
- Challenges making decisions alone
- Altering their behavior to fit in with peers
- Reliance on social media feedback
- Constant comparison with others
- People-pleasing
- Low self-worth in the absence of praise
- Hypersensitive to criticism or feedback with friends and at work
- Mood swings connected to acceptance or rejection
- Ruminating about social interactions
- Lack of a stable sense of self
These struggles with self-validation can lead to anxiety, depression, poor identity development, and emotional fatigue. As well, a young adult may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance use or self-isolation.
It’s important to recognize these signs as an important first step to developing healthier self-worth and grow to greater emotional independence and authenticity.
How Attachment Styles Shape our Sense of Worth
A helpful way to understand the struggle for self-validation is through the lens of attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Based on extensive observation of children and their caregivers, they developed the concept of attachment, grounded in the emotional bonds that develop between a child and their primary caregiver (usually a parent).
Such early attachments can have a significant impact on a young adult’s development socially, emotionally, and cognitively. Several adult attachment styles can develop based on early childhood experiences [1] and as illustrated in the following chart [2].
Individuals showing low avoidance and low anxiety are considered securely attached, whereas those with high levels of anxiety and avoidance tend to be insecurely attached.
Attachment Style Chart
- Secure: Individuals have a positive view of themselves and others. They feel comfortable asking for and receiving support from others and can develop healthy, trusting relationships.
- Anxious/Preoccupied: Often worry about their relationships and seek excessive reassurance from others. May have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. Desire to be completely emotionally intimate with others yet worry that their partners will not want to be as close to them as they would like.
- Avoidant/Dismissive: Tend to distance themselves emotionally from others to avoid getting hurt. May have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. Uncomfortable with close relationships and prefer not to depend on others. They had caregivers who were unreliable, unresponsive, punitive, and malevolent.
- Disorganized/Fearful: A mix of contradictory behaviors and emotions. Often arises in individuals who have experienced inconsistent or traumatic caregiving. Have a negative model of the self and a negative model of others. They are likely to have had parents that they perceived as rejecting, punitive, and malevolent.
Similar to those with a preoccupied style, fearful individuals desire closeness with others but harbor a deep-seated belief that they are unlovable and unworthy and that others are generally uncaring and rejecting.
The fearful style shuns self-disclosure, intimacy, and reliance on others. May have “intimacy anger” and jealousy that can escalate into verbal and physical abuse in close relationships.
With a simultaneous desire for closeness with others but fear of rejection, they are likely to base their self-esteem on others’ approval and their appearance—making them vulnerable to potential rejection.
Attachment and Self-Esteem
Some extensive research shows that different attachment styles are related to different bases of self-esteem, independent of the level of self-esteem [1].
- Secure individuals are more likely to base their self-esteem on family because it provides unconditional love and support as well as on their close relationships with others. Typically they have higher self-esteem and lower psychological distress. Secure childhood attachment was also found to be associated with low adult attachment anxiety and avoidance.
- Anxious/Preoccupied individuals are more likely to base their self-esteem on others’ approval and their appearance because they are deeply concerned with interpersonal acceptance and rejection.
Improving self-esteem through peer connections (e.g., friendship; romantic relationships) may contribute to individuals’ adaptation to close relationships and enhance attachment security in adulthood, despite their insecure attachment with primary caregivers in childhood.
- Disorganized/Fearful individuals, who are also highly rejection sensitive, are likely to base their self-esteem on others’ approval and appearance.
- Disorganized/Dismive individuals, who value self-reliance and independence, are less likely to base self-esteem on others’ approval, appearance, or family support and more likely to base self-esteem on competence.
This table illustrates how self-validation maps to attachment styles:
| Attachment Style | Self-View & Validation | Reliance on Others for Validation |
| Secure | Positive, self-accepting, self-aware | Low; can self-validate |
| Anxious | Doubting, sensitive, self-questioning | High; seeks external validation |
| Avoidant | Self-dismissive, emotionally distant | Moderate to low; may avoid needs |
| Disorganized | Confused, fearful, inconsistent | High; unstable validation patterns |
The Relational Operating System
I see many young or emerging adults with anxious attachment styles developed in childhood that prevent them from achieving self-sufficiency, and who have a strong need for social approval. And social media only makes this tendency worse. Often, their parents did not model self-validation. And trauma such as abuse, experienced while growing up, creates further anxiety affecting their self-efficacy and self-validation.
Bowlby and others proposed the concept of Internal Working Models (IWMs) as mental representations of oneself, others, and relationships that individuals develop from their early attachment experiences with caregivers.
These beliefs influence how people process social information, regulate emotions, and behave in close relationships, acting as “cognitive maps” that shape expectations and reactions throughout life.
At Engage, we use the term Relational Operating System to describe the concept of IWMs with our young adults as it is highly relatable. Attachment is our personal operating system that supports the foundation of self-esteem, emotional regulation, personality development and the way we engage in our relationships.
Attachment experiences shape our operating system that guides and directs our way of being. Attachment is the root and the solution.
Attachment and Self-Criticism/Self-Blame
The opposite of self-validation is self-criticism or self-blame, a common trait among some young adults. From an attachment perspective, some researchers believe that self-blame is rooted in the process underlying the development of IWMs.
And distressed emotional regulation is linked to low secure attachment and few positive experiences of reassurance in childhood. This has been shown to predict low levels of successful treatment outcomes [3 and others cited therein].
There is a strong, positive, and significant relationship between higher levels of attachment anxiety and self-criticism/self-blame levels, compared with avoidant attachment.
Those with anxious attachment view the self as unworthy of love and attention due to unpredictable childhood caregiver’s responses. As a result, they blame themselves in an attempt to keep a sense of predictability of the external world, either because of their need for approval or their need to maintain a positive view of significant others.
In addition, coldness, refusal, and punitive parenting may increase the risk for self-criticism by fostering avoidant attachment in response to parenting with high expectations regarding the child’s performance and/or parental rejection.
Practical implications
Self-criticism/self-blame is strongly related to insecure attachment, both the avoidant and anxious types, especially in young adults where this is more common. Treatment should not only address the lack of security underlying self-criticism but also the nature of the insecure attachment.
The treatment of self-criticism/self-blame should be framed within an attachment-informed approach, targeting self-critical thoughts elicited by attachment contexts. And similarly with treatment for improved self-validation which is inversely related to self-criticism.
Tools and Strategies to Learn To Validate Yourself
Some practical tools and strategies young adults can do to strengthen their self-concept and work on self-validation include [2]:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings
- Practice Self-Compassion
- Affirm Your Needs
- Journal Your Thoughts
- Seek Professional Support
Although more challenging, it’s important to work on your relationships to develop mutual validation with others, including [4]:
- Communicate openly
- Set mutual standards
- Step into their shoes
- Practice active listening
Identifying and challenging negative self-beliefs is an important way for young adults to strengthen their self-concept. The following techniques can help. Some of these are often used in therapy:
- Self-reflection
- Become aware of your triggers
- Question beliefs
- Replace negative beliefs
- Seek support
- Celebrate successes
- Practice self-compassion
- Surround yourself with positive influences
- Set realistic goals
- Take action
Moving Toward Secure Attachment and Healthy Self-Worth
Hope is possible for young adults to develop a more secure self and strengthen their self-validation through healing attachment wounds. As research suggests that self-criticism/self-blame (and its opposite, self-validation) is strongly related to insecure attachment, an attachment-informed approach is recommended. At Engage, we offer a blend of the following:
Attachment-based therapy: Focusing on building secure relational bonds and correcting maladaptive attachment patterns to foster resilience and emotional growth.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT): Teaching emotional regulation, mindfulness, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness—skills critical for young adults navigating independence and complex transitions.
Experiential and adventure-based therapy: Utilizing real-life challenges, outdoor experiences, and group activities as clinical tools for building confidence, autonomy, and social skills in emerging adults.
Family and parent coaching: Involving parents in a supportive but non-enabling role; coaching families to promote autonomy, healthy boundaries, and trust as young adults step toward independence.
Holistic and individualized planning: Collaborating with young adults to identify strengths, create meaningful goals, and develop tailored strategies that address academics, vocational planning, life skills, and mental health.
Building a Secure Attachment Style at Engage Young Adult Transitions
Engage Young Adult Transitions is a transitional living program and therapeutic community that assists young adults on their path to independence. Using attachment theory, we provide a foundation for forming connections, getting involved with the community, managing mental health, and building life skills for long-term success.
Engage offers structured autonomy—high support without creating dependence. Our therapists and life coaches are here to honor the young adults’ need to gain independence and freely move to a more secure sense of self and their relationships.
Located just steps from Southern Utah University in Cedar City, we offer access to services seven days a week, including academic support, vocational training, career guidance, life skill coaching, mental health therapies, and recreational activities.
Our community offers high levels of therapeutic support that honors autonomy and independence while guiding young adults to a life of freedom, emotional wellness, and success.
Get involved with the Engage Transitions community today!
Sources
[1] Park L. et al. 2004. Attachment Styles and Contingencies of Self-Worth. Personality and Social Psychology. Vol. 30 No. 10, October 2004
[2] Evolve. 2023. How Does Attachment Affect Self-Esteem? EvolveTherapy.com
[3] Rogier G. et al. 2023. Self-criticism and attachment: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences. Volume 214. 2023. 112359.
[4] Rigg V. #165: Why Validation is so Important for Anxiously Attached People. On Attachment
Sagone, E., et al. (2023). Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults-A Cross-Sectional Study. European journal of investigation in health, psychology and education, 13(3), 525–539.
Shen F. et al. 2024. Attachment, Self-Esteem, and Psychological Distress: A Multiple-Mediator Model. The Professional Counselor. Volume 11 – Issue 2.