A sense of connection is a profound basic need humans have, beginning with our primary caregivers. But fear of abandonment, if left untreated, can be a powerful shaper of our personalities throughout our lives. In this insight, I explore its roots in our attachment styles and how this affects young adults.
What Are Abandonment Struggles and Where Do They Come From?
Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming anxiety that the people closest to you will leave you, either physically, emotionally, or both [1]. When seen from the perspective of attachment styles we can better understand what gives rise to this fear and how it may take various forms.
Abandonment struggles usually, although not always, have their roots in early childhood, where a child may suffer from childhood trauma either with physical or emotional abandonment. Physical abandonment may be due to the trauma of loss from the death of a parent, separation or divorce, or a serious illness.
Emotional abandonment may be due to a parent’s mental illness, emotional abuse, neglect, or parentification, where the child has to take on the role of the parent. In both types, fear of abandonment may result [2].
In adult relationships, abandonment is expressed through “attachment injuries” when one partner is unresponsive or inaccessible in moments when their partner truly needs them. This may have a serious impact on the health of the relationship, often leading to separation or the end of the relationship.
Attachment theory provides an explanatory framework to understand abandonment distress. Simply put, there are four types of attachment, as follows:
- Secure: Stable attachment with consistent, predictable homes and attachment figures.
- Preoccupied/Insecure: Often called preoccupied attachment. Low avoidance of relationships but with high anxiety. When they get stressed or anxious about relationships they lean into the relationships.
- Avoidant: High avoidance with low anxiety. They are often overwhelmed by intimacy in relationships and detach from them when stressed out by leaning back.
- Disorganized: A combination of 2 and 3. They are fearful about abandonment in relationships so they lean in but are super anxious about being too dependent so they pull back.
Signs of Abandonment Distress in Young Adults
The base of attachment is security and the ability to reach security is very powerful. Young adults may express fears of abandonment in a number of ways depending on their attachment style, where the goal is to achieve healthy independence. Here are some examples of abandonment trauma symptoms [2]:
| Attachment Style | Examples of Abandonment Distress |
| Secure | None. Paradox: the more securely they are attached, the more independent they want to be and ready to take the steps to become so |
| Preoccupied/Insecure | They desire constant communication and physical contact whenever possible. If they don’t receive this they may be triggered with feelings of insecurity and unimportance. Seeking people-pleasing reassurance and validation to ease anxieties about rejection. Engaging in people-pleasing behaviors to prevent others from leaving. May be clingy in a romantic relationship, since being alone may bring doubts about how much a partner cares. |
| Avoidant | Self-reliance from an early age because of feelings they can’t rely on others for comfort and support. Fears of rejection, abandonment, or disappointment in others may be triggered by asking for help. Due to a deep-seated distrust in others, may have a suspicion of other people’s intentions leading to emotional withdrawal. Due to difficulty expressing emotions, may distract or change the subject whenever emotions come up. |
| Disorganized | Due to fears of rejection, may move between an intense desire for connection and not wanting close relationships. Engages in self-sabotaging behaviors. They may frequently criticize a close friend or romantic partner to keep them at arm’s length. When feelings of rejection, abandonment, or unimportance are triggered, may have sudden changes in mood. Where emotional closeness is expected, not comfortable with intimacy, particularly in romantic relationships. |
How Abandonment Distress Affects Relationships for Young Adults
Young adult relationships may be impacted significantly by abandonment distress and unresolved fears, which can be expressed in various ways. As a result, they may have difficulty achieving effective emotional regulation, forming and maintaining healthy relationships and successfully achieving healthy independence. Here are some of the forms this may take [3] [4].
1. Fears of Rejection or Being Left
- Overly clinging: Being afraid of solitude, they may be excessively dependent on partners.
- Testing Love: May unconsciously push friends or partners away to “test” their loyalty.
- Avoidance: To prevent potential abandonment, avoid deep relationships altogether.
2. Struggles With Trust and Insecurity
- Attention-Seeking: Seeks attention constantly from others or a partner.
- Jealousy and Possessiveness: Out of fear of being replaced, may have controlling behaviors.
- Overanalyzing: Believes small actions, such as delayed response to texts, ares signs of disinterest.
- Difficulty Believing in Love: Doubts the sincerity of a friend or partner and believes they may eventually leave.
- Changing Relationships: Jumping frequently from one relationship to another.
3. Emotional Overwhelm or Shutdown
- Anxiety: Experiences frequent, or constant, anxiety symptoms.
- Hyper-sensitivity: Minor conflicts may trigger intense emotional reactions.
- Stonewalling: Shuts down emotionally to protect themselves from perceived rejection.
- People-Pleasing: Avoids “rocking the boat” by suppressing their needs and engaging in co-dependent relationships.
4. Self-Sabotage
- Choosing Unavailable Partners: Leaning toward emotionally distant people reinforces fears and low self-worth.
- Ending Relationships Early: To avoid being left.
- Creating Drama: May unconsciously provoke breakups with friends or partners to confirm their negative beliefs.
5. Struggles with Intimacy
- Fear of Vulnerability: Feels opening up is risky, as it may lead to hurt.
- Hot-and-Cold Behavior: Gives mixed signals due to conflicting desires for closeness and fear of loss.
- Manipulative Behaviors: Engages in abusive or coercive behaviors.
Healing Abandonment Wounds: Coping Strategies and Therapies
Often, a good place to begin is with the parents themselves. Young adults are going through a process of individuation from their parents (and vice versa) as they think about roommates and living away from home. Attachment struggles on both sides come to the forefront.
As young adults’ intellectual functioning continues to develop and they have more experience with both successful and unsuccessful relationships, they can develop hope, compared to their previously held view of “what am I doing wrong”.
This creates opportunities for parents and young adults to have a healthy separation process. Parents often feel paralyzed as they are challenged to let go of their love and their own anxiety. Often they may freeze, leading their young adults to not trust them. Parental coaching can be a very helpful process to build their confidence and then lean back into appropriate parenting for a child with developmental challenges.
Secure parents can hold love and boundaries at the same time. Parents who don’t trust their kid often have an anxious attachment style. But parents aren’t necessarily doomed, as in “I can be preoccupied but show up secure”.
In this process several key parenting guidelines can help:
- Unconditional love.
- Support productive, positive movement.
- Refuse to engage in unproductive negative patterns.
- “I’m not going to treat you as fragile”.
Our Relational Operating System
The attachment lens is a great way to see ourselves. One way to look at this is as the “relational operating system”, in which the goal is to help young adults develop insight into their attachment struggles. Awareness of this includes psychoeducation and practical skill development activities focused around [5] [6]:
- How we regulate emotion.
- How we conceptualize ourselves in the way we see others.
- The kind of stress we feel in relationships.
- How we respond to that stress.
Can the attachment style be changed? Yes it’s possible, but requires deep work, as it also ties into identity and the attachment style greatly impacts emotional regulation. When a young adult is chaotic, it’s hard to shift attachment styles. It’s normal for some to be this way. Hopefully, over time, they can regulate, but they will be unsure of their identity until they can.
It’s possible to shift a bit towards a secure place. If you’re in relationships with secure people you may show up more secure. Likewise, with relationships with preoccupied people, you may show up that way since when you are preoccupied you have no idea what secure looks like. So the key is understanding your style and understanding how secure shows up in your relationships.
So we teach young adults emotional regulation skills, showing up securely, and actually being in relationships with secure people.
Support From Engage Young Adult Transitions: Rebuilding Security
At Engage Young Adults Transitions we actively promote an attachment-based approach to healing from abandonment distress. This is a therapeutic community that gives young adults the confidence to safely explore their environment. The goal is to have the young adults create their own social networks using Engage as their secure base.
Through the power of healing relationships and experiences, we are capable of updating our attachment system that is a more accurate reflection of ourselves and gain the confidence to connect. Connection is both the outcome and the intervention!
How Engage Supports Independent Living Readiness
Engage Young Adult Transitions is a transitional living program and therapeutic community that assists young adults on their path to independence. Using attachment theory, we provide a foundation for forming connections, getting involved with the community, managing mental health, and building life skills for long-term success.
Engage offers structured autonomy—high support without creating dependence. Our therapists and life coaches are here to honor the young adults’ need to gain independence and freely move to a more secure sense of self and their relationships.
Located just steps from Southern Utah University in Cedar City, we offer access to services seven days a week, including academic support, vocational training, career guidance, life skill coaching, mental health therapies, and recreational activities.
Our community offers high levels of therapeutic support that honors autonomy and independence while guiding young adults to a life of freedom, emotional wellness, and success.
Get involved with the Engage Transitions community today!
Sources
[1] The Attachment Project. How to Support Someone With Abandonment Issues.
[2] The Attachment Project. Abandonment Issues and Attachment Styles.
[3] MedicalNewsToday. What to know about abandonment issues.
[4] PsychCentral. Understanding Abandonment Issues.
[5] Head Inside Mental Health. Attachment Styles: The Hidden blueprint of Our Relationships. Interview with Dr. Jack Hinman and Eric Fawson.
[6] Head Inside Mental Health. Navigating the Interpersonal Dynamics of Attachment with Dr. Jack Hinman